Changes

Quinn has been choosing his nighttime - underthings - for the past week. One night it is a pullup, the next it's underwear. There's no method to his madness, and I think he just likes having a choice. So far we're about 75/25 in terms of waking up dry, which is a good starting point. And the dreaded #2 seems to have taken on a much less prominent place on his list of least favorite things to do. Big sigh from Mama.

I'm really trying to be thoughtful about all the changes that are ahead for all of us. After a crazy summer with unexpected events followed by two moves, followed by unexpected losses, followed by seemingly unending sickness, the months to come seem to be filled with more of the same.

Job hunting almost always ends up with someone getting a job, which means big, big changes in our lives. We're looking for a good place for Quinn to spend his time (preschool) for a few mornings a week to get him used to being there before we potentially have him there full time. It's not even close to being in our budget, but is necessary. He's ready, especially after so little time with other kids this summer, and after SO much Mama Time lately.

It's a big stretch for us after being deeply committed to my being home with him for the past three and a half years. It's been worth it, if at times very, very difficult for me personally on different levels. I have loved being present for all the leaps in development, and being the one person that knows him better than anyone else in the world. Being able to say, with only the smallest physical signs, when Quinn needs to pee, or when he is close to losing it, or needs a nap, is strangely gratifying.

The last couple of weeks I've begun actually visualizing days away from him. Days filled with other adults and all that adult stuff to be done. Driving with purpose, having to plan things so differently. Am I looking forward to it - sure. Am I dreading it - like you wouldn't believe.

So, I'm trying to be really present in the days we have coming. I try not to let the little things I think I need to get done take over, and instead really focus on being with my son. Paying attention to all the funny things he says and all the ways he's changed, just recently. Taking pictures, laughing as much as possible.

He is our One and Only, and that's not going to be changing. This is the only baby of mine I will see grow from a tiny, squiggly baby to the tall, blond, sweet boy I have the pleasure of being with each day.

It's hard to give up.