Mama

We all come to this at some point. Our parents begin to age. They begin to change and alter and in many ways, disappear. We can see it coming, we know enough to be aware, but when it happens it always seems to be like a surprise.

My mother is 73. She has always been a mystery to me, shut off and secluded inside of herself. My attempts to get close and to find some understanding were always met by a dull gaze and silence.

For the past four years it has been evident that she was declining. She didn't want to deal with the fact that she needed dentures, needed to see a doctor about her hip and her knee. She always denied that she was in any pain, but looking at her teeth and watching her limp gave her away. I don't think she liked that much.

She was there when Quinn was born. Now, when I think of my decision to ask her to be there, I wonder what hormones took over. She was not a support, it was almost like she wasn't there at all. Instead I leaned on my two closest friends and my husband. She had on her 'stage' persona, the one she dusted off and brought out when it was necessary to be in a group of people. It was a part of her I never liked.

Every one of her visits after that was worse than the one before. In my presence, or with Erick, she was light and laughing, but the minute she snuck outside to smoke (she really thought we had no clue) she would talk to herself and act angry.

And now she is old. Not just grey-haired old, but Old. She doesn't want to deal with this reality, she wants to be left alone, but lives with her son and his family. She wants to be needed and useful, but her body won't let her anymore.

Now it's time for the four of us to work on how to care for her, how to get past some of our own disappointments in her as a mother, and that impact on our own lives. Understanding how completely overwhelmed she was with four kids and all that brings with it.

How we take care of our aging parents says a great deal about us.

And I want this time to say that my heart is big, even if it seldom got what it needed.