Starving

Almost feeling normal, although tomorrow morning will be the proof. Knew that if I just put off going to the doctor, things would resolve themselves.

Just can't shake this feeling of starvation - certainly not the physical kind - the kind I felt in Africa, sometimes. Being so Alone. Of course, there I had people always around me (the Tanzanians I met just couldn't understand the need to be alone - they were always, always surrounded by others), but the language barrier,at least in the beginning, meant that I was isolated. This feeling of isolation diminished over time, but it sticks with me still.

For so long I wanted to Get Out of La Grande, for soooo long. I wanted a new start, I wanted to Move On. I was SO ready. Then we moved. The limbo of a townhouse in West Linn, then the New House - what a long awaited dream! Put off for so many years. I should have been in nirvana.

But the loss of a friendship I valued so dearly, one that meant I had the sister I wasn't blessed with, tainted all of it. I tried not to make it so - I struggled every day not to obsess, not to allow it to eat away at me. I tried desperately to focus on all the work that needed to be done, on all the New things that had to be accomplished. Some days it worked. Some days I could stand in my truth and know that I had done nothing wrong, even if she found it so.

But the bottom line is that I am devastated. The reality of this has made me so angry at her, at her reaction, at what feels to be her discounting of me and what happened. It is painful. It is like a death, really. And the fact that I can't "fix" it goes against my very nature. If you care enough, if you work hard enough, shouldn't it work out??

So I find myself struggling against this 'new life', not entirely committed to it. We are on our second month in this house, and we are all so comfortable. The pellet stove actually works (shock and awe) and even though it takes two minutes for the water in the shower to get hot, it is OURS. But it is like a Life After, and I am feeling quite Alone.

Making new friends is hard, even when you are open and searching for it. In La Grande I singled out another 40+ year old mother with a son and basically asked her out - we had a play date once a week and by the time we moved her very shy son was holding my hand and was willing to hang out in the kitchen with me. It was so good. I haven't made any in roads here. Other than my walking partner and a friend I see every now and then, there is no one. I was so used to daily phone calls and someone who understood me without my even having to explain. Talking to myself is getting a little old.

I'm whining. I'm whining a lot. The result of a very long week and a lot of time to think.

I plan on making this next week a move forward instead of treading water.